I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say — bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems — would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapen headed elephant tranny"? No. You'd say "You look nice... John"

Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.

On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’

The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is a football... Boof! Eat my goal!! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!